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1991-03-05
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ASK UNCLE FUNGUS: BRILLIANT ADVICE FOR THE HOPELESS
Copyright 1987, 1990 by Steve Reitci
TABLE OF CONTENTS
CHAPTER PAGE
Introduction ................................. i
1) 54' 40'' or Fungus ......................... 1
2) The Compleat Fungus ........................ 11
3) Have Fungus, Will Travel ................... 18
4) The Lost Fungus Tapes ...................... 27
5) To Fungus, or Not To Fungus ................ 32
6) Fungus Lost ................................ 40
7) Are We Having Fungus Yet? .................. 44
8) In Search of Fungus ........................ 53
9) Every Dog Has Its Fungus ................... 57
10) To Die, To Sleep, Perchance To Fungus ...... 67
11) Klatu, Verada, Fungus ...................... 72
12) Fungus Speaks! ............................. 81
13) Take a Walk on the Fungus Side ............. 89
14) It's My Fungus and I'll Die If I Want To ... 98
ASK UNCLE FUNGUS: BRILLIANT ADVICE FOR THE HOPELESS
Copyright 1987, 1990 by Steve Reitci
INTRODUCTION
This is the part of the book you'll be reading last, after
you've finished the rest and still have five minutes before the
bus reaches your stop. I do the same. But it doesn't really
matter whether you read this introduction first or last. There's
just no way to prepare someone for the Uncle Fungus experience.
You'll have to read it yourself to understand what I mean.
The advice column ASK UNCLE FUNGUS originally ran in an
independent student newspaper at the University of Wisconsin --
Milwaukee. The newspaper was the UWM TIMES, and ASK UNCLE FUNGUS
was one of its first regular features.
I picked up my first copy of the TIMES when I was a
sophomore. It was their third issue. After looking it over, I
decided I wanted to work for them. Soon I was writing a now
thankfully forgotten humor column called "My Side of the Street."
A few months later Editor-in-Chief Patrick Baird decided to
form a new editorial position, and I became the TIMES' first
Humor/Features Editor -- which wasn't hard since I was the only
one who wanted it.
With the job came Uncle Fungus.
Working with Fungus was a strange and fascinating
experience. He never kept any records of letters and columns.
After a while I gave up and did it myself. He didn't seem to
really care what happened to what he wrote. If it weren't for
the TIMES' archives, the vast majority of the work in this volume
would have been lost.
ASK UNCLE FUNGUS/Reitci Page ii
Another convention Fungus didn't believe in was the
newspaper deadline. Out of the 50 columns he submitted, I can
only recall one that was ready before deadline. And that was
only because he had been so late with the previous week's column
that we had to hold it until the next issue.
Many people have criticized Uncle Fungus as being sexist,
obnoxious, offensive, and demeaning. Looking over his advice
again I find it hard to disagree. But if I had cut out
everything someone might have found offensive, there wouldn't
have been enough material left for a pamphlet, much less a book.
To give the reader a better understanding of the Fungus
phenomenon, I've alternated chapters of advice letters with some
Fungus-related features and news reports concerning his
mysterious disappearance.
There still remains one question to be answered. What has
happened to Fungus? Is he dead, or did he fake his disappearance
for a reason we cannot guess? Only two people and one dog know
the truth. But somehow I get the feeling that we haven't seen
the last of him yet.
He was the Uncle, he was the Fungus. Koo-koo-ka-choo.